A Christian Counselor



Marriage Relationship


1 Peter 4:8... And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.

John 13:35... By this shall all man know that ye are My disciples, if ye have love one to another.

Marriages are destroyed by many lies. It is satan who is out to kill, murder and destroy, especially to destroy marriages all the time. God's word is powerful and we all need to heed to it. The Bible says that we are to guard our spirits. To guard your spirit means that you are to be controlled by His Spirit. In our marriage, we need to be controlled by the Spirit of God. Why do we need to be controlled by the Spirit of God? So that we will not break faith with our mate, so that we will not deal treacherously and harshly with our mate.

Hebrews 13: 4... "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge"

Malachi 2:15,16... "But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the Lord, the God of Israel, says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence. Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."

The Lord has the best of interest for our marriage, for He has ordained it from the beginning. God is interested in families and in the marriage relationship that you have right now with your spouse. He wants you to know that He doesn't want you just to survive in your marriage, He wants you to have a blessed and fulfilling marriage relationship. Many Christians don't realize this.

There is much struggle in the marriage nowadays. Even in the body of Christ, many Christians have conflicts and there is much competition going on between spouses. There is a lot of outside pressure that they're in today. Many couples are on the brink of separation and divorce and they have strife in their home. That's not God's will for you nor for your marriage. His plans are much better for you. He wants you to have peace in your home. He wants you to have a marriage that is pleasing to God; that is pleasing to one another; that's full of harmony; and that's full of peace.

There is victory for all marriage problems you are facing. First you have to recognize who is living in your heart, who is sitting on the throne. You may have accepted Jesus Christ, but is He also your Lord and Master? Have you given Him full control in your life? Are you keeping your "flesh" down in the grave? Then you have to recognize the enemy of your soul and obvious of your marriage. He is Satan and he will do all he can to destroy the marriage and family relationships that you have. You have to be aware of the tricks and the lies that he comes to you with.

John 8:44 The devil is a liar and he is the father of all lies.

In the very beginning in the Garden of Eden, Satan lied to Adam and Eve. He has lied to couples ever since. And he has no new lies. The devil has just put wrong thinking and lies into people's minds. The same old lies. That's why we have to be aware of the devil. We have to be able to detect his voice and his lies so that we will not be deceived and miss out on God's best for our lives.

Satan is telling couples: "There's no hope for your marriage. You're in such a mess. Your marriage is in such a mess. You might as well end it. It's hopeless." He is coming into your thought life and uses the visible things to make you believe his lies. Once you've given him foot, you will start to act upon these lies. By now you're looking at the high waves and you feel you're sinking. You're about to drown for you don't see any hope. It looks like an impossible gap to overcome. In the natural you are correct, for you never will be able to fix this yourself. But with God all things are possible and we have God's word to prove this.

Satan is attacking alright, and many Christian marriage partners are listening to him and dabbling with sin. For example; watching sin-laced TV programs, movies or Internet websites, reading questionable magazines, living too much in a wordly atmosphere, wordly friends and what have you.

1 John 2:15,17... Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him...And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof; but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.

Many believers are not watchful and have become careless with God's word. Holiness is often hard to find, family altars are disappearing and subtly the things of the Lord are replaced with the things of this world. A believer in Christ cannot live this kind of lifestyle without bearing the consequences. The Scripture states that we have to resist satan and he will flee from us. You have to shun sin. Satan cannot be blamed for the sin and disobedience of God's people.
Many marriages hit rock bottom because of the above. They have not walked carefully enough with the Lord and each other, they have been too busy with all kinds of other things. When problems strike, they are devastated and wonder why all this is happening to them. Please, search your heart.

Psalm 139:23-24...Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting !

2 Chronicles 7:14... If My people who are called by My Name will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven , and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

Another important question arises: Have you totally and completely turned to the Lord Jesus Christ and asked Him for help? Because, He is the God of hope. Marriage was His idea. God created marriage and if He created marriage, He certainly knows how to make it work. So you must turn to the One who created marriage.

You also have to search the Word of God. The Bible is the best marriage manual that you will ever read. If you will read it from cover to cover, you will find scriptures that will teach you how to overcome anger, how to overcome strife, how to walk in love, how to walk in forgiveness and how to communicate with your mate. The Bible is the best marriage manual that you will ever read.

You may not have found the answers for your problems, you may not have found answers in the world. But if you will turn to Jesus and the Word of God, you will find answers. Your marriage may be far from God's ideal. But it is not impossible for you to have the marriage that God wants you to have. You may have just given up and you are so hopeless. You think that you could never have that God-pleasing marriage. But I want you to know that it is possible for you to have a good marriage. It is not impossible to obtain that which God has called you to obtain.

Jesus met this woman at the well. She was a Samaritan woman. Jesus looked at that woman and He said: "You know, you've been married five times and the man you live with isn't even your husband." He didn't condemn her. Did you notice that? And the Bible says that Jesus began to share the truth with her. He provided her with the Living Water. That's what you need-- truth from the word of God. So that you will change and not keep doing those mistakes anymore. You may say, my life is such a mess, God could never love me. That's a lie of the devil. Jesus loves you right where you are at. No matter what a mess you've made of your life. Jesus loves you and He wants you to know the truth, so you can turn around and get your life on the right path.

This woman at the well when she got married the first time, she must have been thinking, You know, I'm going to be so happy in this marriage. Just like we all do. I'm going to be so happy in this marriage and I'm going to be so fulfilled with this husband. And then she gets married and it's not what she wanted it to be. Now, she didn't know God, so she went from the one marriage into the other and finally just started living together. I hope and pray that you didn't use her as an example. But this shows you that you cannot find happiness in your marriage outside the Lord.

You need to stay under His direction and guidance for your life and your marriage. You may be looking for whatever you wish, but you will not find peace and fulfillment in marriage. Neither will you find fulfillment in a person, in a husband. There is no fulfillment to be found in a relationship with a man, outside the Lord. You need to have a relationship with God first, before you can have a successful relationship with a spouse. It is because of a surrendered will unto the Lord that you will find peace and fulfillment in your marriage. This is the ONLY way.

You will never find that peace until you make peace with Jesus Christ, making Him your Lord and Savior. You have to make Him the Lord of your marriage and the Master of your life. Breaking up a marriage because you think it cannot be fixed is demeaning the power of God. Dissolving a marriage is not the answer. It really is a defeat. The thought that you would be better off on your own again, is a lie and will not be backed up by God's word. Don't listen to your own deceitful thinking, but rather surrender your thoughts to the Lord and bring them under subjection at His feet. It is not marriage that brings you contentment and it is not singleness that brings you contentment, but it is the Lord Jesus Christ that brings contentment in your life.

You must make Him the Lord of your life. You must bring Him into your marriage. You must have an encounter with the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the God of all hope. No marriage will work without Him. If you make Him first, if you put Him first in your marriage, you will see that He will give you wisdom and He will give you peace.

Ephesians 2:14. "For He himself is our peace who has made the two one and who has destroyed the barrier and the dividing wall of hostility."

If you will turn to Jesus, He will bring peace into your marriage. He will destroy the dividing walls in your marriage. He will destroy those barriers of communication. He will destroy that strife and that anger in your marriage, if you will just bring Him into your marriage. You must realize that He is the missing link. Without Jesus, you cannot make it. If you're in that situation, turn to Jesus and you will see that He will never leave you and He will never forsake you. Be encouraged, don't swallow the lie of the devil. Your marriage is not hopeless. There is hope in Jesus. Let go and let God take over.

You may even think that you married the wrong person. I know you've thought that too, haven't you? You think you made a mistake and got out of the will of God! That's what a lot of people begin to believe when they get into conflicts, or because they have problems in their marriage. But listen to this: "Marrying in the will of God or marrying the right person does not insure that you will have a good marriage." A marriage may be made in heaven, but maintenance is needed on this earth. It is hard work; a denial of "self".

Don't forget that good marriages have problems too. Good marriages take time and effort to develop and cultivate. You will never find a perfect marriage on this earth. Because there is not a perfect man or woman alive. There are no perfect husbands or wives. You may be just looking for this "perfectness". But I have to disappoint you in this false illusion, for there is not such a thing. You soon find out that you are greatly mistaken and that reality is completely different. Through marriage you come to know yourself. You're being tested and tried, molded and shaped, until you have become a useful tool in His hand. Everything has a purpose in your life, if you will recognize it.

Having a good marriage takes time and effort and does not come by itself, it needs to be developed. Don't believe the lie of the devil that you married the wrong person. Just because you're having problems and conflicts doesn't mean you married the wrong person. You need to quit worrying about whether you married the right person and you need to start "being" the right person. It may be possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. It is far more important to BE the right kind of person, than to marry the right kind of person.
In short, whether you've married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.
Start being the right person and you will see that God will bring healing into your marriage.

God said in Deuteronomy 30:19... "I have set before you life and death, blessings and cursings. Therefore, choose life that both you and your descendants may live."

Another pitfall of satan is his whispering, while you're listening: "You don't love your mate anymore. He or she has hurt you so much and you could never love them again." Many may even say: "I never really was in love with my mate. We were just good friends." While some of those couples may have experienced real love for each other.........and they've forgotten all that. Why is that? Because they've hardened their hearts. Their hearts have been hardened by hurts.

These hurts and rejection can destroy a person. It can turn a person inward. It can cause them to isolate themselves. Proverbs 15:13... "Heartache crushes the spirit." But I have good news for you, there is hope for people in this situation. Jesus is the Answer!!

You need to understand that love is not always a feeling, love is a decision. Love is a commitment. The romantic feelings that you had when you dated and when you first got married, they may not be as strong at all times. Feeling in love is controlled by your emotions. But you see, it is not the feelings that get us through the battles of life, it is the commitment to love. It is that unconditional love.

Ephesians 4:2, "Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient, bearing with one another in love."

Did you notice it just doesn't say love one another, it says you have to bear with one another in love. That means you are going to make mistakes. Your husband or your wife, they're going to make mistakes, they're going to stumble, they're going to fail you, but you have to bear with one another in love.

Galatians 6:2... "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

"Husbands love your your wives as Christ loves the church." Well how does Christ love the church? Well, He loves us unconditionally. Even when we fail, it will never keep Him from loving us. And that's the kind of unconditional love we have to have toward our husbands and wives. Make the decision to love and be committed to your mate despite your feelings or your lack of feelings. Because feelings are temporary, but love can be forever. To love is God's commandment and has little to do with feelings.

Also, in your marriage, you need to clear up each and every offense. Don't sweep anything under the rug. Don't expect your mate to overlook the things that you've done. Don't withdraw and refuse to communicate. You need to talk things out. You need to clear things up. You need to ask each other's forgiveness and you need to get peace between you. Usually, it is not the major things that cause division between couples, it is the little things that build up over the years. It is the many little hurts that are not dealt with and finally a person explodes and then they say, "I don't love you anymore." But in the mean time their love is in there. It's just buried by all those hurts. But, praise God, Jesus can bring healing.

Beyond all the problems there is hope for the broken hearted. You don't have to live with a wounded spirit.
Psalm 147:3... "God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

There's healing in Jesus. Jesus bore your sorrows and your grief on the cross and He wants to bring healing to you. But you have to forgive your spouse, no matter what, even if you are in the right. There may be so many things between you. But unless you forgive and release that bitterness and that anger, you will never have the healing God wants you to have. As Jesus has forgiven you, so should you forgive others.

At the moment when you are willing to give your all into His holy hands, the healing process begins. Give Him all your unforgiveness, your bitterness, your anger, your disappointment, your hurts and you will find that your love is coming back to the surface. The love you didn't think you had anymore has been renewed by His love. God doesn't want you just to survive in a relationship, he wants you to enjoy it. He wants you to be happy in your marriage relationship. You can love again. You can have peace again. You can have harmony again.

Start humbly walking in His footsteps, willing to learn from your Teacher. Using your "textbook" often and allowing this life to be your "classroom". Go for "high" marks ONLY and you will pass every grade with great success. HALLELUJAH.

Put Him first in your life, and then put Him first in your marriage. You will see that you can have a strong marriage. You can have a committed marriage. You can have a marriage where you trust one another and have peace with one another. You can be a blessing to each other and you can be a blessing to your children.
You can have what God wants you to have. God loves you right where you are. It doesn't matter what's in your past. All that matters is that you turn your life over to Him now. You will experience that you can have that peace and that contentment that you've been looking for. Don't give up on your marriage. Hope is not gone for there is hope with God.

Be encouraged, don't stare at what you see, or think. Don't look at your own limitations, your own abilities or disabilities. The Lord desires your surrendered will. He needs your availibility. Give Him ALL your burdens, great and small. Give Him the opportunity to create something beautiful out of your mess, your disappointments, your grief, your troubles. Allow Him to heal you, to restore, to deliver and to raise you up. Allow Him to change your weakness into strength, your failures into success. Become a VICTOR in the power of the Holy Spirit. He called you to be just that. Allow Him to make it true also in your life. His Holy Spirit is available to you for the asking. Only through Him can you become an Overcomer.

Genesis 18:14...Is there anything too hard for the Lord ?

Proverbs 4:4...Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments and live.

Get grounded in the Word. Become saturated with the scriptures. Know where you spiritually stand. Take your ground. Grow in wisdom and in strength. Walk in His Will. Be obedient to the Scriptures. Forsake any sin or sinful ways. Turn completely to the Lord. Be Full of the Holy Spirit. Be an example no matter what and do all this in the power of the Holy Spirit. With God ALL things are possible. Put God first and you will see that you will have a blessed and beautiful marriage as He planned for you to have.

By faith we can see the invisible, believe the incredible, and receive the impossible.
God's Word provides direction and encouragement, the Holy Spirit provides power to overcome.


LET US PRAY

O Lord, Your LOVE is so great toward me, Your tender care follows me
Help me, Father, in my relationship with others, especially with my spouse
My cry goes out to You, for You only can help me
Teach me to walk with You and to abide in You
Be my Strength, when I am weak, Lord
I am willing to follow You, but be my help, I pray
I call upon You to be my hiding place and my refuge
Mold me and make me after Your likeness
Have Your way in my life and in my marriage
Glorify Your wonderful Name through me, I pray
AMEN AND AMEN


Original author unknown.
Modified by Dr. Trudy Veerman, 1999
All rights reserved.

Be encouraged, never give up, have faith in God !

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